Just show up naked

What can girls do to "chase a guy." there is always a point where the girl should give hints and hopefully the guy isn't that dense and would eventually take the reins, or tell her to not bother….. maybe you have already written on this topic, but when do girls know that a guy really likes the girl? i mean, the top selling book on amazon. new york times, etc.. is "he's just not that into you" . i know guys are always afraid to reject a girl and hurt her feelings, but leading her on sucks too! i guess also what are some sure signs he's just not that interested and signs that he is genuinely interested. -sugoi 

A very popular topic indeed, I have touched on the subject of "how to drop subtle yet effective hints to attract the male specie." It seems there is some confusion about the inner workings of the male brain, prompting girls to overanalyze and second guess whether or not the prospective mate is indeed interested in copulation. Guys are built with two sets of logical units which determine the course of action given a set of circumstances a given male is to decide upon. One logical unit controls basic motor functions and reacts to normal stimuli. On an average day, this logical unit will be in use the majority of the time will dictate the decision process of the male. However, under the right conditions, the OTHER logical unit takes precedence and here is where things get sketchy. Unlike the first logical unit i mentioned, this secondary unit has the ability to override all predisposed and hardwired mental functions and perform tricks of illusion that can often times baffle the opposite sex. Case in point, this OTHER logic unit enjoys long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and romantic music on the car ride home. The main unit looks for companionship and true love, while the secondary unit looks to get some. Ok, the main unit ALSO wants to get some but not as frequently as the secondary unit.

Ok, so we've gone over the basics of how the male brain works, lets tackle your question. You want to know if a guy REALLY likes you? Depends on which logic unit is active. Remember, the secondary logic unit will override the main unit, but sadly the former has a short time-to-live algorithm and is prone to malfunction in a matter of months. We wont discuss the reactivation techniques for the secondary unit (it needs different stimuli very often) but just know that eventually the main unit will take over and only THEN will you know for sure how he really feels about you.

This then begs the question, how do you know which unit is at work? Heres a an easy to read guide:

Situation: you ask him if he'll go shopping with you on sunday instead of football
Secondary Unit says: Yes. As long as i get some.
Main Unit says: There is no way I'd go with you to Express instead of missing his Vikings vs. Eagles game. Instead, lets go shopping on saturday (after the college games) or after February.

Situation: Its Valentine's day. You hope he's planned something special
Secondary Unit says: Romantic evening involving dinner at that cute Italian place with the dude who plays the violin in front of you, followed by dessert at your place where you find out he's filled your room with expensive looking roses.
Main Unit says: Damn. How about Fusion Cafe?

Situation: You want to know if he REALLY likes you
Secondary Unit says: Yes, but of course. Let me show you my affection towards you with gifts and other novelty items. I'll even pretend to be interested in your collection of sappy love dvds and request to watch a few.
Main Unit says: I'll be the shoulder you cry on when you feel sad. Even when those jeans DO look fat on you, I'll tell you that you're perfect and give you a kiss. When you're struggling and frustrated I'll tell you you're beautiful and that everything will work itself out. When the world falls away and all that we have is each other, I'll look at you and realize that i'm the luckiest guy in the world…

Hm. Ok, so now you know. Good luck!

Putting the F in Friendship

Can guys and girls really be friends? why or why not? -proton 

The short answer is no. The long answer is yes, but with certain stipulations:

Girls can be friends with guys
As many a male knows, a girl can detach herself emotionally and engage in platonic relationships with the majority of the dude population. This is what we affectionately refer to as the "Friends Zone." She might laugh at your jokes, tell you you're boyfriend material, but then balk when you go in for lets-be-more-than-friends kiss even when she's been drinking like a goldfish. Just think about it; ever since she turned 12, guys from all sorts of age groups and ethnicities have been trying to get in her pants and thus she has evolved an automatic resistance to ploys of seduction unless she is properly engaged in the individual.

Guys cannot be friends with girls
Sorry ladies, guys are hard-wired to inseminate the female population to ensure the world of tomorrow is sufficiently populated with human beings. However, a guy can be friends with a girl if…
a. she is in the "not even if i was drunk" section of the friends ladder
b. she's a dude
c. he's not into girls because he's into dudes.

So there you have it. There might be exceptions, but for the most part, one should ask yourself when confronted with a guy who claims he can be plutonic friends with girls:
a. Is he into dudes?
b. Is his monkey waiting for him at home?

Cant get enough High School girls

New question!!! So I'm a senior girl in hs and there's this other hot, smart, great girl…you know where this is going. I've never been with another girl, but I liked this girl since I was a freshman. I don't think I would've even started liking her if she didn't always bend down infront of me. She has such a hot ass. Anyway, we're ok friends, we just email eachother once in a while because we hardly ever see each other at school. Although, we do see eachother in passing period through the halls and she always stares at me. Why does she stare so much? When ever we were together at school last year she would always talk about how single and how she has to go to the dances all by herself. I want to hang out with her, but it's kind of hard since her friends and my friends don't know each other. She invited me to something that's happening in the summer, but we're not really making any progess and how do I even know she likes me? But why else does she stare and notice me? I always use my peripheral vision, so she doesn't know I notice her all the time. She's the only person I notice. But we can't do anything in this stupid conservative town!!!!!! Neither of us can come out. That is, if she even is bi or a les. And I'm shy kid, so that makes it harder. But how do I know she likes me? Without actually asking her, just by bodylanguage? -newpswahine 

Knowing if a girl is interested in you is an art that takes years to master. I liken it to the tells at a poker table at your local card room; some are more obvious about their feelings than others. I would recommend you ease into the situation slowly. Start by going to group events together like attending a concert or a sports game on campus. The group environment is less threatening and she wont feel as if you're trying to "come onto her." The key is to making her feel comfortable enough to drop her "poker face" and to express her emotions. Develop a friendly relationship and keep interaction as plutonic as possible in the beginning. As she gets to know you, let her know that you're not as conservative as most of the other folks. When the right opportunity arises, ask her about same sex couples and the such. Tread lightly at first… if she cringes or shys away from the conversation dont press too hard as it is a sensitive topic for a lot of people. The only way to really know if someone is interested in you is to ask. Often times you risk the entire friendship but if you really want to make the leap I would ask out right and to be honest about your feelings.

Some things to look out for if you think she likes you:
-random calls just to talk
-physical contact during face-to-face conversations
-finds opportunities to hang out
-upon first sight of your entrance, she gets excited and rushes to say hi
-pictures of you in her locker

If you have any other specific questions, feel free to post. Good luck and I hope everything works out.

Ladders are bad luck

what exactly is this ladder stuff? that link was too long for me to read. -proton 

Basically girls have two ladders
1) Relationship potential
2) Friend ladder

if you've been placed in the Friends ladder, you're pretty much stuck there. If you try to make the leap from Friend's ladder to the relationship ladder and FAIL, then you will fall into the abyss of NONCONTACT.

Guys have one ladder
1) Girls they would copulate with.

Depending on the girl, she's placed at a certain position on the ladder.

Thats pretty much it.

Her ladder is shorter than yours

What’s your take on Ladder Theory? -kalani79

Its a pretty solid theory. The only thing thats difficult to determine is which ladder an individual resides in. I tried to explain to a friend that it is in fact possible to jump the gap between the friends and relationship ladder, in which he replied that the individual was on the relationship ladder the entire time. So, short of asking a female which ladder one is placed, I think its safe to say that if you exhibit certain qualities ANY girl is attainable.

For those of you unaware of the ladder theory…
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Dont go to the gym

Now for my question… if a guy is going to the gym with his friend, but a girl calls to hang out (with the obvious intent of having sex), and said guy goes to the gym… is this guy gay? -goldilocks

There needs to be more information needed about the female who called with the intent of copulation. I’m assuming the guy in question thought it better to improve his own image to increase his chances with females more attractive than the booty call and so I wouldn’t go so far and say the guy is gay… If she really wants to “hang out,” i’m sure we can arrange for her to call up Joe or Civicmon. HOWEVER, if the female is absurdly attractive, then it could be justified that the guy is in fact a homosexual and we can arrange for HIM to call up Joe or Civicmon. Just kidding.

Crooked guys turned straight

is it possible to turn a gay guy straight? – colonel klink 

Well, after giving this some thought, there are certain assumptions one has to make to answer this question properly.

Stipulation: Homosexuality is a genetic predisposition.
Answer: Can you turn a straight guy homosexual? I'm not sure what sort of steps one would take to engage said male in such activities, but I'm pretty certain the chances of a conversion or slim to none. Likewise, turning a gay guy straight would have similar odds.

Stipulation: Homosexuality is a learned condition.
Answer: In this instance, it would be possible to turn a gay guy straight through repeated encouters with attractive females and to bombard gay guy with images of overweight and generally disgusting males in pretzel-like positions.

Regardless of the stipulation, I stress the importance of self-transformation; dont expect that person to change unless he wishes to do so. It'd be foolish to think a man will change his ways for a female.

What a trick. And not in the good way.

Skratch… whadda think of this one.  What was going through this girl's head? 

I was at a club and she approched me and wanted me to dance.. so naturally I said fine.. so we were dancing and talking… did this for a few hours. She went ahead and even bought me drinks… which is rare for me as you know.

Well her friend gets booted from the joint so she had to go, I asked for her phone number and she said she had a boyfriend (!!!!).

So… I figure she wanted a good time but why on earth would a girl buy drinks for some guy she just met and had no interest in seeing more of? So this goes back to the first question, what was going through this girls head? My friend thinks that her boyfriend treats her like shit so when she found a gentleman ( Cool ) she treated him well.

What's your take Love God? -civicmon 

Theres no easy way to put this, so I'll make this as concise as possible: she was looking for a nice time with a nice dude without ruining her current situation with her bf. Whether or not her bf treats her well is a moot point; she was at a club and didnt want to stand in the corner all night. So she took it upon herself to pick out a nice guy to spend some time with. Girls have this incredible intuition that tells them if a guy is gonna try to dry hump them all night or engage in light conversation, and you obviously were marked as the latter. She bought you drinks as a kind gesture for wasting away the night with her. Imagine if she made YOU buy her drinks only to drop the B word (boyfriend) as she left. Anyway, nice dudes like us (haha) are usually ignored at clubs and so I wouldn't consider what you went through as a total disaster. But if you want to avoid the semi-sad ending, maybe slyly ask about her boyfriend situation earlier?

you: So where's your boyfriend at?
her: Oh how did you know? I never even mentioned him!
you: I dont meet too many down-to-earth women at clubs who aren't practically engaged…

OR

you: So where's your boyfriend at?
her: Haha. I dont have one.
you: Ah. What a shame. I dont meet too many down-to-earth women at clubs who aren't practically engaged… your place or mine?

So there ya go civicmon. Next time, ask earlier in the conversation and then you can eventually ask about why she's not spending quality time with him. Good luck.

In love with a stripper

Ok so basically I know this girl and I'd like to go out with her, but she isn't interested in dating or relationships right now. So I said I just want to be friends, but for me its not working out and I want to get away, especially since I just found out she is hooking up with all these guys (many of whom I know). The problem is I can't stop thinking about her. I don't want to tell her how to run her life: "why the f are you hooking up with all these guys", but I don't know that to do.  -mcduckson 

Lets look at this objectively for a second before we delve into the possible solutions to this problem:

a) you seem like a decent guy with pure intentions to befriend a female whom you find attractive and interesting

b) this girl does not find interest in engaging in a real relationship at the moment because…

c) she is too busy trying to catch an STD from one of numerous guys that you happen to know

From my assessment, I feel that it is imperative that your next course of action is to remove yourself from the emotional vice she is holding you in, whether or not her intentions are as such. This female is in the point in her life where she is enjoying the freedoms of singleness and has no desire to be tied down by the moral obligations of commitment. If you are truly a friend and looking for her best interests, I would possibly mention that the road she is traveling is narrow and fraught with despair, but from the looks of it she will not take kindly to your sound advice and will assume you're just jealous that your friends are gettin some and you, in fact, are not.

Just get out, before you drive yourself insane.

Different zipper codes

Is it wrong to mack on somebody else's girlfriend? I know it's wrong on her part, but is it wrong on my part? -icom158 

It really depends on the context. Lets analyze the situations

Your Status with girl's bf: friendly
Distance bf is from girl: minutes
Likely-hood of you getting your ass kicked: Very high
This is the situation you really want to avoid. Not only do you know the girl's bf, but supposedly you're FRIENDS with the guy. Even if the dude is a retard and treats her like shht, a wise man once told me "Bro's before Ho's" and so thats how we break that situation down.

Your Status with girl's bf: unfriendly
Distance bf is from girl: minutes
Likely-hood of you getting your ass kicked: Very high
Again, being in close proximity to the bf will result in a swift and conclusive punch in the face. Understandably, you dislike the boyfriend and he'll probably have his eye out for your sneaky tactics and so you'd might as well move on to the next available female.

Your Status with girl's bf: friendly
Distance bf is from girl: hours
Likely-hood of you getting your ass kicked: Moderate to High
Similar to the other "friendly" scenario, it is considered taboo to befriend your buddy's girlfriend. But, considering he is further in distance from the girl, there is the slim possibility he might not find out about intrusions into said girlfriend. With that in mind, proceed with EXTREME caution.

Your Status with girl's bf: unfriendly
Distance bf is from girl: hours
Likely-hood of you getting your ass kicked: Slim to Moderate
This is a very good situation for you. If he's the doofus we all know that he is, she'll probably dump him anyway. With that said, its still sketchy if you hook up with his girlfriend before the breakup but at least you'll have time to run if he decides to pursue you with a blunt instrument

Your Status with girl's bf:friendly
Distance bf is from girl: Across the ocean
Likely-hood of you getting your ass kicked: None
He's probably bagging some European/Shanghai street walker anyway. Leave the city upon his arrival into the U.S.

Your Status with girl's bf: unfriendly
Distance bf is from girl: Across the ocean
Likely-hood you getting your ass kicked: None
Same as above. Carry a gun, though.

So there you have it. An easy to read guide on what to do depending on the situation. There are slight variations to the above, but they'll usually fall into one of the above categories. Proceed with caution and remember: dont blame me if you get your peepee shot off with a 12 guage.