#1 – Never make her wait.
There was a time in human-kind when hunters hunted and gatherers gathered, but even then she hated waiting for your monkey ass to come back to the cave. To overcome this inherent hatred of idle time, an evolutionary process was developed: tribal face paint. Even today, the practice is prevalent throughout all walks of society. It’s Saturday night and the car is idling in the driveway. Your reservations at Outback are imploding… and she’s still applying her mascara.
So why does she abhor it so much? The answer is surprisingly simple: she can hear her biological clock ticking. Here’s a breakdown of her thought process, by the minute:
7:00pm – “Be patient. He probably got his balls stuck on the zipper”
7:01 – “This effing loser can’t decide which ugly stripped shirt to wear? How about wearing the shirt that doesn’t make you look like A Night at the Roxburys.”
7:02 – “Is he trying to get a quick jerk before this thing? What a homo.”
7:03 – “Oh he owes me big time for this one. I’ll ‘accidentally’ knee him in sack when he’s sleeping”
7:04 – “I’m getting old. I wonder when he’s gonna ask me to marry me. Oh shht, what if he never asks me to marry. What if I end up old and single living with 10 cats named after each of the 12 dwarfs? But then I’ll need 2 more cats. Where will I find two more cats? I dont even have a cat! ARGH!!!!”
Under no circumstances have her sit idle for more than 5 minutes. Trust me.
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