Love triangle

My favorite:  Commitment = Empty Love

Top Five Female Myths

After over two decades of extensive research and interviews with men and women worldwide, here are the top five myths men believe about women.

1) Women are primarily looking for a man with great physical features.

Actually, this myth should have been title “Women are primarily looking for a man with [fill in the blank].” Most males assume that women seek to isolate one particular characteristic about their ideal man because that’s exactly how men view their ideal mate: ideal in a single category while ignoring the rest (translation: men are looking for women with a pretty face/big breasts/long legs). Females, however, think with the big picture in mind. In a perfect world, females desire a man with an athletic body, charming personality, and are great with children (regardless of her desire to conceive). Is there any question why there are more single 30+ females than males? It is because they are still waiting for the “perfect catch.” Men are much more willing to settle for an individual with the correct reproductive organs.

2) Women are kinder/gentler than men

Though it is true that women do not possess the physical prowess that men are naturally gifted with, it would be a mistake to interpret this lack of physicality as a general meekness in females. Ever notice that females have a laundry list of other females they just cannot get along with? What women lack in muscles they make up for in trash talk. The gossip magazines they read at the supermarket are the written manifestations of their inner animosity towards one another. Why should anyone care about Britney’s multiple social disorders made public through People Magazine? It provides ammunition for the machine gun of smack talk women need to make it through the day. She cries during the same scene of The Notebook and will not hesitate to tell her friends about his man’s erectile dysfunction. They’re cold blooded like that.

3) Women are not as competitive as men

While men are preoccupied with determining which men dominate games of skill and/or intelligence, women are busily fine tuning their strategies of manipulation to win the game of life. It is not a coincidence that women insist on being the victor during arguments with their companion. If she wants to eat at the fancy new Italian restaurant and not at the dive bar showing game five of the big game, it is a safe bet that hot wings will not be on the menu. It should also come as no surprise that she takes 200% longer to get ready to go out than the male equivalent; she’s applying the war paint and wardrobe necessary to defeat the throngs of competitors that threaten to take away her role as starlet. Use this competitive drive as a tool to push her in a particular direction. Understanding her need to respond to challenges can be crucial when it comes time for her to make logical decisions (i.e. take one more shot to prove this guy wrong or go home early for work the next morning?).

4) When it comes to presents, it’s the thought that matters

Are men so diluted into thinking that she will appreciate a collage of pictures taken during special occasions over the tennis bracelet she’s been eyeing at Tiffany’s for the past year? It is an easy mistake to make, but the look on her face when she opens the non-aqua blue box containing a cheap frame from Aaron Brother’s will tell the whole story. What she really means is that the amount of money a man spends on her is directly proportional to the amount of love he has. And he better make sure it is exactly what she wanted. Women love surprises that involve things that they’ve been pining for. They do not, however, love picture frames.

5) Women do not care about the size of the sea, but the motion of the ocean

She wants both. If it was up to her, she’d rather be stuck like a suckling pig than hit with a Oscar Meyer wiener. Better stock up on more Enzyte.

This should have been the Golden Rule.

It always begins the same way. He just had to catch the last segment on ESPN’s Behind the Line, and now they’re stuck at Jack in the Box eating the two for $.99 tacos because of a missed reservation at the fancy Mediterranean restaurant. But he casually mentions that the only reason the TV was even on was to kill time while she applied her second layer of foundation to cover up that pesky dry patch underneath her jaw-line. She retorts that the dirty underwear you conveniently left in the bathroom was not going to pick itself up and she’s glaring at him so intently he fears that his face will melt like Coldstone’s on a July sidewalk.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. The facts all lead to the ultimate conclusion that it was actually her fault. The only thing left after this CSI investigation of blame is David Caruso tilting his head and shoving on that pair of mini-mart sunglasses offering a witty one-liner to end the scene. The problem is, that championship feeling one gets after a lopsided victory seems bitter and cold. Why? It’s because the lady is pissed. And we know what that means.

Doghouse.

So let’s back this pain train up for a minute. In reality, anything that’s blamed on her is actually a test. She’s trying to determine the type of man that would call out a compassionate, kind, and generous individual like herself. Boy, did he just fail that one. Many a man has fell flat on his face when the oral exam of blame comes up. All he needed to do was to fess up and let her know that yes, it was indeed his fault for everything. That simple gesture would have saved 3 hours of negotiation and a bouquet of flowers/box of candies/stuffed bear holding a heart with the words “I love you beary much”.

Yes, it is a lose/lose situation trying to argue with her assessment. Females are not accustomed to working in the realm of “logic” and “facts”. This type of reasoning does not hold a candle to her arbitrary judgment system. It is pretty much her way or the highway. So unless one plans on being celibate for the rest of his life, commit this to memory: She’s always right.

Deal with it.

Instant messaging into her panties

So I met this chick about a few weeks ago through a mutual friend and find that she’s fun to hang out with (judging from the times we’ve hung out [albeit always with other friends around]). But I’m definitely attracted to her and so I have a few questions, the most important being, how do I make my intentions clear enough so that I’m not on the friend ladder?

Another question I have is that I’ve talked to her a few times on AIM…how important of a factor is initiating the IM convo? Better stated, does it really matter who starts off the conversation by going “hey” or something? And along the lines of that, does too much conversation initiation by one person come off as creepy and annoying?

-Maverick88

The best case scenario one can wish for after an initial interaction is one of indifference. Hopefully she has not formulated enough of a frame of reference to determine which ladder you currently reside on. This flux positioning is key as your future encounters will either make or break your chances but at least it has not been determined yet (hopefully).

Even in group situations, there are opportunities to isolate and conquer your target through group manipulation. If she has a penchant for the shooter House of Dead at DnB, an outing “as a group” and the casual suggestion that the two of you engage in the destruction of zombies will suffice. This easily lends itself to more intimate outings involving only the two of you as her comfort level has increased to the point where she can trust that you will not grope her like a creepy uncle.

Finding an excuse to take your target on a social outing does not have to be arduous but it does require some research about her affinities. Food is always popular; however keep it informal or you risk exposing your true intentions prematurely. On the flip-side, a decision to take her to taco Tuesday at Rubios might also be a deal-breaker. Avoiding typical “date” activities like movies, walks on the beach, or meeting the parents should be adhered. Having her meet you at the animal hospital where you volunteer at? Now that’s true gold.

The question posed was how to make sure your true intentions are not mistaken for aims of plutonic friendship. Do not, under any circumstances, verbalize your feelings. Men have become brainwashed by the media to assume females wish to hear the deep thoughts that men store deep in the chasms of their emotional gray matter. In reality, the only leverage men carry is their emotional state and the mystery behind it. Rather, convey yourself through the physical: strong eye-contact, short and infrequent body contact, and a general indifference of the current situation. This, combined with a charming personality and constant laughter, will lend itself to placing you in the correct ladder. Basically show her a good time and without being too forward and you’ll find yourself in her Hello Kitty panties in short fashion.

Instant Messaging is a poor replacement for actual interaction; unless she’s at work and does not have any other means to communicate, I’d use IM as a tool to initiate face-to-face encounters. As to whether or not it’s wise to wait for her to message you first… it depends. A 5:1 ratio (i.e. after the fifth time you’ve started a conversation) you should allow her the opportunity to break the ice. If you’ve held her attention enough, she will have no problem being the first to IM.

Good luck and remember: don’t be the creepy uncle.

Bigger is better

If a guy says “we’re moving too fast”, what does he really mean?

-superSFwoman

Over the course of male evolution, there have been two constants that have kept the Earth from spinning perilously into the sun: 1) Men love women of all shapes and sizes 2) we’re not picky. Rarely will a male pass up the opportunity for mating especially if the circumstances are favorable (i.e. all the time) so this questions assumes that there are some colossal roadblocks prohibiting said male from engaging in activities most natural to him. Fret not, however, as there is an explanation for such erratic behavior.

He doesn’t find you very attractive

99 out of 98 males you pose this question to will point out that physical attraction can often outweigh a female’s personality pitfalls (see Vicky Mendoza diagonal for exceptions). The inverse is also true depending on the level of duress the male is encountering when questioned about such. Alas, he does not find your snaggle tooth or gigantic nose attractive and therefore out of contention to be his baby mama.

There’s someone else

If he has any testicular fortitude this would be a non-issue and he would have moved on by now. Unfortunately, you’ve fallen into the dark abyss that has stricken many a hopeful female. He’s stuck pining over love lost and you’re left with the remains of his tattered heart. Do not be surprised if he calls late in the evening sobbing asking for advice about how to win back the “one” who got away.

He wanted to go all the way, but he ran out of rubbers

Unless your first name rhymes with Messica and ends in Falba or Diel, he probably has no plans to germinate your flower pot… on purpose. Consider him a gentleman that he did not suggest to do it in the butt.

There is a slight possibility that he wants to take the relationship slowly to ensure he is emotionally and mentally ready to embark on a lifelong journey with you by his side… but let’s not kid ourselves. He thinks your boobs aren’t big enough.

Notorious F.O.B.

How does a non-Asian and non-white guy persuade a fobby Asian chick to date him

It really depends on the type of fobby Asian female you’re referring to.  Here are some of the common fobs you’ll encounter:

Freshly arrived from the motherland:  You can recognize these females by their unique hairstyles and colorful clothing.  They often carry plastic handbags with nonsensical cartoon characters.  They only speak their native tongue but can make brief conversation usually based around the location of the bathroom or the closest Sanrio store.  Also, proper dental care is obviously discouraged so do not be alarmed if she’s got more grill than George Foreman.
Likes: Native-pop (i.e. J-Pop, C-Pop, etc…), pink leg warmers, red hair, candy with cartoon carictures on the wrapper, naruto.
Dislikes: People with dark skin, toothbrushes, and Godzilla.
How to woo them:  If you’re not Asian or white, this is a sure-fire deal breaker.  I’d recommend taking classes to learn their native tongue so that you can at least understand the obscenities she’s yelling out as she’s running away from you.

Just learned how to curse in English: These fobs have usually absorbed enough American culture to understand that bright colors are meant to accent, not to dominate, their wardrobe.  They’re continuing to grow more comfortable with the language and will attempt to use common slang terms out of context resulting in hilarity.  They are still fearful, however, of people and food not found at a Westfield mall so avoid that trip to East LA.
Likes: Urban dictionary, Justin Timberlake, Pizza, American Idol, brand names.
Dislikes: People with dark skin, Mexican food, Vodka.
How to woo them:  Since these fobs are in an awkward stage in their American lives, they’re often susceptible to individuals who can make decent conversation and show interest in their culture.  Learning the language is definitely a plus as she’ll stumble upon certain English phrases that need to be translated.  LV handbags and shiny things are not only appreciated but almost a requirement for a first date.

Originally a fob, but in some serious denial: Her English is perfect but she’s also fluent in her native tongue, you can recognize these females by their Abercrombie baby-tees and Uggs boots.  She denies ever having any relatives in Chinatown and only speaks to her parents in English.  You can find her behind the wheel of a VW Cabrio or a BMW her affluent parents bought for her.
Likes: White people
Dislikes: Non-white people
How to woo them:  Be white.  Sorry.

Anyway, good luck with your fob adventures.  It sure helps to be tall and caucasian.

Maybe you’re just ugly

my bf is the friendly type and i get super jealous. i know he’ll never do anything stupid, but because hes friendly girls get close and comfortable with him fast which makes me super uncomfortable. so how do i deal wid that

-yummerz

So the real issue is how do you deal with gorgeous and buxom females from rubbing all up on your man while they’re half naked in a hot jacuzzi during spring break? I’d recommend closing your eyes and realizing that if you can’t deal with the fact that your boyfriend is attractive to other females that you should probably trade down to someone less approachable or a hunchback.

Trust is a major issue with all relationships and both parties. Recognizing that at the end of the day he/she is coming home to you should be reassurance that things are all good.

Worst case scenario is that he’s a two-timing whorefest of a skank and you’re better off without him.

Mike + Banners = Gold

Big shoutout to Mike for creating the banner logo. I’m sure he’s worked on much more exciting stuff than my silly blog but I’ve been thinking about swapping out the ridiculous paint swatch image since I started using this template. Looks like this will work just fine.

Oh, and check out the Rock/Paper/Scissors game he helped put together. I’m more of a live action RvP player but give this site a try.

Girls just wanna have fun

how do you deal with the female player? such as a girl who is super cool and cute, but gets what she wants when she wants it…if I’m a guy who can’t share with others, then what’s a guy to do?

-sideshow

This is a rather tricky problem considering as her main attraction feature set has the ability to intimidate “nice guys” from pursuit. Her confidence exudes sexy and since it’s not managed with an on/off switch, you’re often not alone in this assessment. Typically, recognizing these types of females are as simple as answering the following questions:

Is she always accompanied by 2+ male associates?
Does she lack the ability to have meaningful conversation with other females?
When asked about the dude leaving her room in the morning, she says all they did was sleep?

If you answered yes to the above, then you’re probably dealing with a typical female player. The solution to this problem is to either a) run away like a coward or b) fight fire with fire.

At the very core of the female psyche is a small girl who wants to be held and treated like a princess. The only difficulty is stripping away the layers of armor that she has built up through “self-esteem” classes and “yoga”. To accomplish this, one only needs to mirror the confidence and self-assurance that she exudes. Even venturing into the “bad guy” persona may be necessary to catch her attention and break down the barriers separating one from his mark. Indifferent persistence is crucial as she’ll sniff out your intentions if you show your hand too early. Keep some distance and always complain about how all the females you’re shagging are so intellectually dull that it appears the perfect specimen will never appear. She’ll subconsciously take this as a challenge and attempt to conquer these perceptions personally.

As with all games, learn the rules, be patient, and work smart (not hard). Success is only one roofie away.

It’s been a long time…

…and hopefully there are still people who haven’t deleted this site from their RSS.  Anyway, I’ve been inspired by my buddy’s new site and from this guy’s new look, I’ll try to post some new activity. Don’t call it a comeback.

And whats with all the spammers leaving crazy cryptic messages in my Dating is for Suckas post? Weird.